When Do the Good Things Start?

Being sick is the pits. I think I've done it to myself, though. I've built a lot of stress up in my brain lately and it's definitely worn on my psyche these past few weeks.

For the first time in my life I'm accurately tracking my spending and income and boy does it make me pull my hair out. My spending habits aren't too terrible, but something about every dollar being accounted for makes me froth at the mouth. I feel like I should spend nothing ever, even if it's necessary or incredibly minute. 

I suppose a large amount of the stress comes from knowing that I'm not making very much money. I've got my server schedule trimmed down to make room for improv and teaching and my income is paying the price. My classes aren't quite in session yet and improv isn't paying me, but those things happen to be what I love to do so I'm just sacrificing money to do them.

To be honest, I'm getting less and less certain that I'm making the right choice. Most people my age have grown up jobs or are at least management in their cruddy service jobs. Am I even really even "chasing a dream" or am I just avoiding responsibility? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to sell insurance or manage a restaurant or grocery store. I don't want a job that can tell me when I'm allowed to perform and make me feel obliged to listen. I just feel... useless. Unimportant. Valueless. 

I acknowledge I'm being somewhat melodramatic, but I am really beginning to worry. When do the good things start? Am I not working hard enough? I'm probably not, I still have time to sleep. If you're sleeping and you're not finding success, then sleep less ya loser.

I don't have any answers for these questions right now, I just wanted to commit this crisis of confidence to writing. I figure I'll have answered one way or another eventually and I can at least have a good laugh at my present confusion.